Views from around the universe, a fragment
Trying to sleep, being a tree, youth and ageing
This fragment was found on one of the planets, like many others which keep turning up in odd places and even on odd planets.
No one knows who the author is and some suspect that several authors have left fragments on the planets to add some mystery to our existence — as if there isn’t enough already /:-).
All discovered pieces have the feel of a fragment, like there must have been something that was written before and after.
Generations have tried to guess where the fragments come from, and how to interpret them.
I was reading, dropping off a few times and waking up again. At some point I turned off the lights. But I couldn’t hold on to sleep, I kept waking up not knowing why.
I tried to focus on my closed eyes, looking at the back of the eyelids. It’s fascinating how the glimmer of lights and colours in a vast dark space start to transform into images: a train, a building, a face, usually moving.
Behind the eyes — day test
I close my eyes and look at the eyelids. What I see is two dimensions, then it turns to three dimensions until I see a vast space, like an image of the universe.
Right now it’s more surfaces of light and dark.
Just saw the window flashing up and floating by. The light areas reflect something of what is. On the other hand, the lights sometimes seem to be like fading images. Like light burned itself into the retina? and now it fades?
There is a difference between closing the eyes and having them closed while looking at the inside of the eyelid. It’s sort of like activating your eyes to see despite having the eyes closed.
It seems like there is a difference, and images are more likely to happen when I look and not just close my eyes.
I seem very relaxed right now, and nothing much is happening behind my eyelids. I feel a bit tired but it might take more tiredness for last night’s effects to surface. Maybe what I saw last night is some kind of pre-dream state, and I don’t seem tired enough for that.
One other interesting observation, though. I screwed my eyes together and it went pitch black. But there was some white noise, or rather a few tiny white dots glimmering, and then there was this blue dot — like a shape. It wasn’t solid and it changed its shape — the fringes uneven, sometimes flickering a little.
I might make more tests at night. Though this is the trouble. You don’t want to spoil the falling asleep by turning on the lights again to make some notes. Maybe for once I could use a recorder.
Anyway, last night was kind of beautiful, even though it took me so long to fall asleep.
I tried to find something to focus on, something which would allow me to drift into sleep and stay there. So I looked behind my eyelids. I remember a train and other forms — strange, indistinguishable.
And I wondered whether this need to explain everything, to label and categorise everything, is something to rethink as well. It seems to have caused a lot of damage (a recurring thought).
Images of trees and tree barks came up to, of me wandering in the park and finally seeing all the trees and loving them. I don’t think I have ever loved a tree before. But the work with the tree barks has created what feels like a bond.
As I thought about trees, I tried to imagine being a tree, starting as a small sapling, wondering whether to focus on the roots or whether growing tall was the priority. And suddenly I thought, it’s strange that trees grow at all and all the time and in all directions. I wonder whether they have any priorities at all. They just grow, it seems. But why? And I thought that a tree might be a good image to explain to young people what growing and getting older is about. It doesn’t mean you are stupid as a child. A sapling or a young tree isn’t stupid. In fact, it’s the heart, the core, the beginning, the foundation of the growing tree. Everything else wraps around that beginning. Everything that happens adds layers and new branches, and yes that will change your looks and your views and your understanding (if you are a living and wise tree), but it won’t make you better or more valuable or any such linear attribute. Growing will extent you, both in size, strength and the amount of branches and leaves and fruits. If you grow in a healthy way, you will have more to give at every stage of your life, but that doesn’t devalue the first apple that was ever yours to give — so to speak.
It was beautiful to imagine to be a tree but it didn’t get me to sleep. I tried other images, snuggling closer to my absent love, going on a walk along one of our rough cliffs. But instead of sleep ideas and thoughts emerged. At one point I got up to make some notes. Another time I switched on the light again to write and ponder a little problem.
At first I resisted making notes on every idea that came up. There was no bubbling of ideas, just while I searched for a way into sleepland, I came across thoughts unlooked for. I hope all the good ones will turn up again. I don’t remember what sent me to sleep eventually.
Views from around the universe